Hot, Fresh, Sexy Singles Found Hacked to Death on Hasidic Butcher’s Cutting Board
‘But it’s Kosher!’ He Cries

Rebecca and Sarah Lakota were just two marriage-ready girlchiks from good shtetls with good karma. Polite, modest, always willing to go out of their way to pick up a neighbors’kneidlach, the Lakotas were the cream of their generation’s crop. There was just one problem. These Jews were Sioux. Hounded from the moment of their birth to the night late last Saturday when they took their final breaths, Sarah and Rebecca were under constant duress to keep their nationhood under wraps and nisht di khale avant de moytse. Last Saturday night was the first time Sarah and Rebecca ever broke that rule. Waiting after hours to fetch three flanks of beef shank for the annual Lakota smorgasbord, Rabbi Mordechai Ben-Gurion struck an axe into two new pieces of flesh. Carted yesterday morning in a nameless, beige-colored pickup truck to that most feared of New York City dungeons, the Tombs, the Rabbi erupted in a self-lacerating fit that caused him several axe-like wounds in places nearly identical to the ones he’d hacked upon his victims. When asked by masked authorities why he committed his crime, the Rabbi was only able to sputter in tongues. But one thing the religiously-minded policemen were able to extract was that the Rabbi’s act was a kosher one and that he had only wanted a moral meal.

This wasn’t the first time Ben-Gurion had followed the laws of kashrut. As a boy, he kept a small flock of geese and a long, shiny scythe in a pen he made from bent tree twigs in the back of his Brooklyn townhouse. Nights he would spend slinging geese-ka-bobs from one end of the lawn and rushing to catch the meaty spears at the other. Interestingly enough, similarly kosher activities were reported amongst the Lakota girls who, in keeping with Hasidic mating rules, were cousins three times removed from the killer himself. Family members have confirmed that Sarah could often be found grilling small cud-chewing mammals on an open flame to remove the unkosher blood and Rebecca was widely known for her meat-and-dairy separated kugel. In fact, many times was it reported that the Lakota girls had gone for culinary tips at the home of Ben-Gurion himself, whose wife was a baal tshuvah, a genealogist-turned-Hasid. After Shabbos, the women would sit ‘round the fireplace, harping on the Lewis and Clark expedition while stacking gefilte fish in plastic containers. It was Mrs. Ben-Gurion who introduced the Lakota girls to the truth about their ancestors.

The Lakota girls were gobsmacked by these sensual accounts of their mythical past. During a brief several hours last weekend that no family member can account for, we can only assume that the Lakota girls went out into town and reenacted the Massacre of Wounded Knee or some other such heathen exercise. The Rabbi must have seen this violation of feminine modesty and flown into a meat-hungry rage. Last Saturday night, when his wife went out for her late evening walk, he waited hyperventilating for the girls to come and collect their shanks.

And so the terrible crime was done: Two right-thinking kosher girls murdered by one of the community’s authorities. They were far too young to go. Even now, the inhabitants of this small seaside town are wringing their hands and crying at night, candles lit outside their front stoops. How such a brutality came to pass we may never fully understand. The mystery is too much to bear. So we temper our disbelief by reminding ourselves that the girls were raving sexual deviants and slaves of passion whose innumerable sins merited a death as gory as their lives.

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© 2009

Hasidic Murder Mystery

Rebecca Katherine Hirsch